I thiiiiink this is a dangling modifier. "Armor of darkness" sounds way more Ganondorf than Link, but the clause order here implies that it's Link's.
Fair point. Would replacing the comma with a period be a good fix?
I'm not sure what I'd put here instead, but "ow" feels insufficient to me for a blow that cuts to the bone.
The implication is that the "ow"s refer to additional blows, which may be lighter. I imagine transformed Ganondorf has pretty good pain tolerance, also.
A comma after "heard" would make this easier to parse for me.
Fair point, I'll add it.
No comma here, though. (Two verbs but only one subject!)
The idea here was to convey a pause. Waiting is an action that implies a longer span of time than a grunt. He grunts, (beat) and waits for it to be over.
Re: mare's milk, I meant to say that it was a Gerudo drink. Animal products are generally preferred over agricultural ones among nomadic cultures, since obviously they can't have much in the way of agriculture. Do you have a recommendation for how I could make it clearer?
I also feel like this wants another word. Remain ... safe? Intact?
The joke is that he's omitting this on purpose. :) Hyrule will remain in some state. What that state may be... he can make no promises.
Is she in a cell while he isn't?
Yes. The idea is she's being held prisoner -- that's also why the repeated references to her looking starved.
I think I may have been too subtle. The story is in chronological order; the joke is Ganondorf realized that if he doesn't antagonize Link, Link will have no motivation to oppose him. That's why in the final scene Link mentions that outsiders are talking about monsters -- the idea is that everywhere else is just as bad as normal for a Zelda game, but Link's little hamlet has remained purposefully untouched.
Okay! Finally got time to give more detailed responses.
Would replacing the comma with a period be a good fix? Splitting into a new sentence might help, but you've still got pronoun confusion if the last "he" you referred to was "the boy." I think you'll still need to specify Ganondorf.
The implication is that the "ow"s refer to additional blows, which may be lighter. I imagine transformed Ganondorf has pretty good pain tolerance, also. Blows with a sword, though?
The idea here was to convey a pause. Waiting is an action that implies a longer span of time than a grunt. He grunts, (beat) and waits for it to be over. Why not ellipses?
The idea is she's being held prisoner -- that's also why the repeated references to her looking starved. I got that she was being starved, but that didn't by itself give me "cell." A little more scene-setting would made the mentioning of the cell feel less out-of-the-blue and more obviously literal for me.
I think I may have been too subtle. The story is in chronological order; the joke is Ganondorf realized that if he doesn't antagonize Link, Link will have no motivation to oppose him. That's why in the final scene Link mentions that outsiders are talking about monsters -- the idea is that everywhere else is just as bad as normal for a Zelda game, but Link's little hamlet has remained purposefully untouched. Subtle--maybe? I'm also just not as familiar with the "rules" of Zelda. The only Zelda game I played was Oracle of Seasons, and I was a kid so I didn't get far enough in to actually encounter Zelda herself in the game, and I've never met Ganondorf in-game either. So, I might not be familiar enough.
The monsters line specifically made me think that, like, of course to Link monsters are not a big deal. He's good at fighting them off.
If you're worried about being too subtle, I think the place to make adjustments is that final line of the first scene, where Ganondorf is "thinking." Maybe something to the effect of, "Next time, he would make some changes."
The monsters line specifically made me think that, like, of course to Link monsters are not a big deal. He's good at fighting them off.
The dialogue is specifically that he's not encountering the monsters at all, though -- he says people are telling stories about monsters, Granny says they're probably exaggerating, and Link agrees. He's never actually seen one.
I'll see what I can do about adjusting the description in the cell scene.
ETA: I've added a line about Zelda being in a cell at the start of the second scene, and changed the dialogue in the third scene to make it clearer Link's not seen any monsters.
The dialogue is specifically that he's not encountering the monsters at all, though -- he says people are telling stories about monsters, Granny says they're probably exaggerating, and Link agrees. He's never actually seen one. Ah, I missed that! That one's on me, though.
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A_Friendly_Irin Sat 24 Apr 2021 12:10AM UTC
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WildBoots Sat 24 Apr 2021 03:32PM UTC
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A_Friendly_Irin Sat 24 Apr 2021 04:36PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 24 Apr 2021 04:48PM UTC
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WildBoots Sat 24 Apr 2021 05:02PM UTC
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