Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Group chat: The bet 01/01

01:14

Santos

Well happy new year, and commiserations to our current losers

Kim

Donnie 😂😂

McKay

Dana currently has three days left on her week

Will it happen?

Will it not?

Stay tuned and find out

Donnie

Why do I get the laughing faces?

Santos

Because you were so sure you’d get Hanukkah

Donnie

Well when I put 50 bucks down I wasn’t expecting Abbot to ask Mohan to move in with him that same week

And I definitely wasn’t expecting Whitaker’s dad to 💀

Javadi

Classy

McKay

I still can’t believe they got through Christmas without proposing or moving in together

Mohan

They need to sort their shit out

Langdon

Genuinely forgot this bet was a thing

Still a non interference thing?

Javadi

Correct

And that includes all losers

McKay

I lost my $20

I have no stakes in this now

Kim

Yeah I’m content to watch

Donnie

I’m still holding out hope for a courthouse wedding reveal

Dana

Not a chance

They’re gonna make it everyone’s problem when they start planning that wedding.

Princess

If they get their heads out of their asses I can have them decked out in tuxes and down the isle in ten days

Donnie

So just in time for your window then?

Princess

You know it

Abbot

I have no idea why I took part in this

Samira

Because I told you to

Abbot

I knew there was a good reason 😊

Santos

Whipped

Abbot

😢

————
Private message: Robby & Dennis

01:22

Dennis

Text Jack and see if he’s alright

Robby

Rough case?

Dennis

Nah all good, stupid drunk people but nobody died

Think it’s either a Santos or a Samira thing

He’s walking around like a kicked puppy

Robby

And those are the two people you think would make him look like that?

Dennis

Either Samira said no to whatever they get up to

(not even mentioning the words because I do not need to think about that)

Or Trin called him old

Robby

You call him old all the time

Dennis

Yeah but he knows what we get up to so he takes that as a compliment

Robby

So you don’t want to think about Jack and Samira but you’re fine with him thinking about us

Dennis

I’m sorry, who got me a camera for Christmas?

Robby

It is not for that!

Although…

Dennis

Down boy

Robby

Is it really my fault that I’m thinking about all the possibilities of the things I could do to you while I’m in bed all alone 😢

Dennis

It’s one night shift, control yourself

Robby

Sent 1 image

You really want me to control myself baby?

Dennis

Lena said you should consider manscaping

Robby

DENNIS!

Dennis

I’m kidding, but what did we say about workplace sexting

Robby

I think you were of the opinion that it was only ok for you to rile me up

Dennis

Correct

Just a few more hours, then I’m all yours

Robby

Yeah because I’m really going to do all the things I want to do to you in a supply closet

Dennis

🤷🏼‍♂️

————
Private message: Trin Trin & Huckster

02:47

Trin Trin

Can I come and see you?

Huckster

Depends

Are you dying?

Trin Trin

Yes

Of boredom

Huckster

A trip to the ER is not the cure for that

Also how are you bored at Mel’s?

Trin Trin

Because she’s all over Langdon

And Vic is dead

Huckster

Say what now?

 Trin Trin

Not DEAD dead

Spiritually

The soul of the party has left her body

Huckster

What you get for starting so early

Trin Trin

Old man dick has made you boring

What are you gonna be like when you’re married?

Huckster

Again with the marriage?

Do you have money on this or something?

Trin Trin

🤐

Huckster

Uh huh

Trin Trin

Taking this off her before she says something she regrets

White chocolate

Huckster

Yolanda.

Trin Trin

I have no stakes in this BTW

Huckster

Everyone else does though right?

Trin Trin

Oh yeah everyone

So feel free to fuck with them

These messages will self destruct in three

Two

One

Message deleted

Huckster

Make sure Trin drinks some water

Please?

Trin Trin

Sure thing

————
Group chat: Day shift

06:48

Robby

For those who are actually reading these messages

Happy new year

And can somebody please get that Christmas sweater off Patricia?

Whitaker

Hey I donated that one

Robby

It’s almost a year early

Whitaker

It was 8 days ago

Robby

It needs to go

Whitaker

🥺

Princess

Return of the bottom eyes

Oops wrong chat

————
Group chat: Nurses unite

06:52

Princess

Oops

Donnie

🦶👄

Kim

Never change Princess

Emma

What sweater is this?

Donnie

A gay in a manger

Dana

Sacrilegious

But funny

Jesse

Best kind of humour

Donnie

True dat

Jesse

Dude who uses dat anymore

Donnie

Me? I use dat

Princess

Leave the old man alone

Donnie

I am younger than both of you

Emma

Seriously?

Princess

🤨

Jesse

😡

Donnie

Seriously girl?

Emma

I mean Jesse I knew

Jesse

Rude

Emma

But Princess?

Princess

Yellow don’t mellow

————
Group chat: Day shift

06:56

Robby

Anyway

The sweater goes

Whitaker

Fine.

Langdon

Happy new year 🥳

Mel

No Frank

 … no

————
Group chat: The Pittlings

09:23

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

I feel like this is a safe space

Langdone with this shit

Oh I feel like this is gonna be good

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Maybe it’s just that I was brought up sheltered or something

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Definitely gonna be good

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

But surely there are just some things that should not go on a human body

Dennis the menace

Oh this a TRB?

Langdone with this shit

The fuck is a TRB??

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Tattoo related breakdown

Keep up

Dennis the menace

Honestly man

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Santos you have tattoos, why?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

I wanted them

End of explanation

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Ok but they all have some sort of meaning right? Like even the littlest bit of meaning?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Oh yeah

Some are a lot more meaningful than others

Wait, am I the only one in this chat with tattoos?

Langdone with this shit

No

Mel

No

Dennis the menace

Nope

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Huh?

Langdon?

Mel?

HUCKLEBERRY?

Mel

Oh I meant that Frank has one

Langdone with this shit

Indeed I do

Dennis the menace

I also meant Langdon

Langdone with this shit

🤨

How would you know about my tattoo

Dennis the menace

Mel

Mel

I don’t think so

Langdone with this shit

Whitaker.

Do you have a tattoo?

Dennis the menace

 …

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

WHAT?

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS??

Dennis the menace

Ok it’s not a big deal

Or a big tattoo

Can we get back to Vic’s thing?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Temporarily paused. Vic, what did it say?

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

It was a tramp stamp

Dennis the menace

Don’t knock tramp stamps

Langdone with this shit

Does Whitaker have a tramp stamp??

Dennis the menace

No he does not.

What did the tramp stamp say?

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Please flip me over

Dennis the menace

Wow

Langdone with this shit

Oh

Ok

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Love that

Now what does huckleberry have?

Dennis the menace

You’re not gonna let this go are you?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Nope

Tell meeeeee

Please?

🥰

Does it match any of Robby’s?

Did you get matching tattoos?

Dennis the menace

Jesus no

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Hey, you and the old man are weird, it could happen

Dennis the menace

Don’t call him old

Langdone with this shit

Yeah don’t call Robby old

He’s ancient

Dennis the menace

Just because the wrapper is wrinkled it doesn’t mean the candy isn’t sweet

Mel

Huh?

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

How did this get onto candy?

————
Group chat: Nurses unite

10:27

Princess

Ok Whitaker is making a point to give me that face every time he sees me

Jesse

Told you he’s a brat

Kim

He’s come so far from that shy boy with the bad haircut

Jesse

Mullets do that to the gays

They become bitches

Donnie

You don’t have one

What’s your excuse?

Jesse

🖕🏻

Dana

This shit again?

————
Private message: Trin Trin & Huckster

11:16

Trin Trin

Why do we have deleted messages from last night??

What did I say?

Huckster

Damn you saw that?

Trin Trin

I saw deleted messages

I have no idea what we said

Huckster

Probably for the best

Trin Trin

Why???

Huckster

It’s embarrassing for you

Like really embarrassing

Trin Trin

Tell me or no avocados

Huckster

You know I could buy my own right?

Fine

You started waxing poetry about Garcia

She then confiscated your phone

We agreed to delete it

Trin Trin

How bad?

Huckster

Honesty?

Trin Trin

100% honesty

Huckster

You tried to talk about kinky stuff

Trin Trin

How kinky?

Huckster

Remember what I told you about Halloween?

Trin Trin

Yeah…

Huckster

It was so much worse that that

Trin Trin

Oh good lord

————
Private message: White chocolate & The toothbrush monitor

11:22

White chocolate

If she asks, those deleted messages were kinky things

The toothbrush monitor

Oh Jesus

White chocolate

You said to fuck with them

I’m gonna fuck with them

————
Private message: Robby & Dennis

11:30

Dennis

BTW we are fucking with everyone now

Robby

Dare I ask why?

Dennis

Remember we said there was a good chance that they’d put money on a proposal?

Pretty sure there is money on a proposal

Robby

And your first thought is to fuck with them?

Not to…

I don’t know…

Talk to me?

Dennis

Do you want people benefitting from our happiness?

Robby

I touch myself when I think of you sometimes

————
Group chat: The Pittlings

11:33

Samira the snoop

Why is Robby rubbing his face like he just got told he can’t say the word Jewish because it’s offensive to other religions?

Dennis the menace

That’s on me

Santons (I don’t need a nickname)

This a fight or just you being insufferable?

Dennis the menace

I am not insufferable

Langdone with this shit

He’s being insufferable

Dennis the menace

You know I could make your life hell

Langdone with this shit

Ominous

How so?

Dennis the menace

Remember what Robby was like when he wasn’t getting it on the regular?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Oh he’s seriously weaponising sex against you

Langdone with this shit

You could

But you won’t

Dennis the menace

Won’t I?

Langdone with this shit

You blew him in the bathroom after like a week of not being together, no way are you going on a sex strike now

Plus we’ve all heard you talk about it

Samira the snoop

Still scarred from some of this conversations

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Same, but I did appreciate the hoetry

Dennis the menace

Oh are we really back to the Notre Dame comment?

Samira the snoop

I’m afraid to ask but I don’t remember the Notre Dame comment

Langdone with this shit

Quoting here

"I want him to wreck me so hard my prostate is ringing harder than the bells of Notre Dame at Easter mass"

Samira the snoop

🤢🤢

Dennis the menace

Oh you have been just as bad

Remember when you called yourself coke?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

I don’t remember this one

Dennis the menace

Because she wanted Abbot to do her in the bathroom

Langdone with this shit

Ok that one is kinda funny

Dennis the menace

Not when she says it at Robby’s place at dinner

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

😳

————
Group chat: Nurses unite

15:22

Princess

Jesus who made this last pot? It’s like doing it in a canoe

Perlah

I don’t even wanna know

Mateo

That a way of calling it good?

Princess

It’s fucking close to water

Donnie

Jesse or Langdon

Just tried it and that some white boy coffee

Jesse

You know there are more than two white guys on shift right?

Whitaker and Robby

Princess

Whitaker- a homosexual with a mullet who lives with Santos

He’s up there with a blue haired barista in terms of coffee making

Donnie

Robby- 20 years in this place and basically held together by the stuff

Not a chance he doesn’t make good coffee

Mateo

Yeah but you forget that Jesse is dating a barista

————
Group chat: Nurse bros

15:25

Jesse

THANK YOU

————
Group chat: Nurses unite

15:26

Princess

I’m fucking the radiologist

He can’t put in an IV

Donnie

😑

Jesse

Sometimes I wonder if you should be speaking to patients

Dana

Honestly, me too.

But this coffee is shit so Jesse call the boyfriend, we’re getting an order in.

Chapter Text

Private message: Robby & Abbot 03/01

18:26

Abbot

Just leaving now, be there about 19:00

Robby

You could just say 7 you know?

Abbot

You could man up and propose to Bambi, but do I give you shit for that?

Robby

Constantly

And please stop calling him Bambi

Abbot

Your words

Not mine

Robby

I said it once, when drunk

Abbot

It was very memorable

There I thought you were being sweet and loving

Then you talk about wanting to shoot his mother

Robby

Yeah well you didn’t pick him up from the airport after the funeral

Abbot

How’s he doing with that now?

Robby

Honestly?

No fucking idea

There are days where he’s fine, he’s laughing and joking around and just Dennis

Then there'll be days where he just seems like he’s about to break

Abbot

So still no word from the family?

Robby

A few calls with the brother who reached out, Luke

Nothing from the other two

And his mother made it very clear how she feels about him

Not sure if it’s worse to have no family or to have family that don’t want you

Abbot

He’s got family

Us

And he’s got you

 ————

Private message: Trin Trin & Huckster

19:21

Huckster

Did you talk to Robby?

Trin Trin

Today or ever?

Because yes to both

Huckster

Did you tell him about last night?

Trin Trin

God no

Look as much as I want you to talk to someone about it I’m not gonna tell him

Huckster

Well he’s hovering

Trin Trin

Like off the ground?

He might need to get that checked

Huckster

Around me

Feels like he’s waiting for me to break down or something

Trin Trin

Because god forbid that he cares

Huckster

You know what I mean

Trin Trin

Of course I do, but your dad died a few weeks ago

And I get that he was a dick but he was still your dad

Huckster

Wait, are you honestly telling me I should feel sad?

Trin Trin

Fuck no!

Hold on I’m trying to put this into words

He was horrible to you, but he was your dad

And that was one of your first relationships in this life

So no matter what happened it’s a big change

And I get that you don’t feel like mourning him

But you can mourn the relationship that you should have had if he was a better man

But you don’t seem to be doing that

You just shut down

So I get why Robby is worried

I’m worried

Especially after last night

Huckster

It’s not a big deal

Trin Trin

Like hell it’s not a big deal

This is your life we’re talking about

Huckster

I get that you’re worried Trin but stop ok?

There’s nothing to worry about at this point

So please, just leave it?

And don’t tell Robby

Trin Trin

Fine.

But you know when he finds out he’s gonna be pissed

Huckster

Yep

He will be

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings- huckleberry

21:38

Samira

You ever get the sense that you’re in the middle of a domestic dispute even though the couple are acting like everything is fine?

Langdon

You just described my marriage

This an Abbot thing?

Samira

This is a Whitaker/Robby thing

He’s Michael’d him three times already

Javadi

How can they be acting like everything is fine when Dennis is Michaeling?

Santos

Mid western passive aggressiveness

Context on the Michaels?

Also why did I not get invited to dinner?

Samira

Because last time you went over for dinner you opened the whiskey Adamson gave him

Javadi

Oh that wasn’t good

Langdon

It was not

Samira

Number 1- "I can cook you know Michael?"

Number 2- "That’s what I told Michael here but someone wouldn’t listen."

Number 3- “Michael is an expert in that."

Langdon

Oop

Mel

Reading

I know I’m not the best with reading emotions over text but even secondhand that sounds snarky

Samira

Oh it was

Kinda expecting him to be limping tomorrow

Javadi

Ewwww

Langdon

Can’t imagine it’d be the first time he’s put the kid over his knee

Santos

Unfortunately I know that it’s not

I’ve learned way too much when he’s drunk

Langdon

Yet I had to learn it sober

Thank you for that image

Santos

Hey I’m just repeating what I was told

You’re the one who’s imagining it

Jealous?

Javadi

Of which one?

The spanker or the spanked?

Mel

I don’t like this

Santos

But this is fun now

Come on Langdon, if you had to go for a guy, which one would you go for?

With Robby you’d definitely be the Dennis, but with Dennis you’d be the Robby

Langdon

Can I be the Collins and move to another state?

Mel

I’m on board with that

Javadi

Come on it’s just a joke

Who would you go for?

Langdon

Abbot

Samira

You better take that the fuck back

I am not sharing my old man

Santos

😂😂

Javadi

🤣

Langdon

You all remember I’m straight right?

Javadi

So’s spaghetti until it’s wet

Santos

I may have used that line once or twice

Langdon

Why am I not surprised

 ————

Private message: Mel & Langdon

21:59

Langdon

You went awfully quiet

Everything ok?

Mel

You know I accept all parts of you right?

Langdon

I do

But this is worrying me that you may be reconsidering that

Mel

It’s just that, if you did want to try that, we could work something out

Langdon

That?

You mean guys?

Are you offering to let me sleep with a guy?

Mel

Well not immediately, maybe just a kiss or something first

Langdon

Mel, I’m not gay

I love you

 Mel

I didn’t say gay

And I know you do

But I do think you might be bi

Langdon

I’m not

 ————

Private message: Whitaker & Langdon

23:57

Langdon

Do you think I like guys?

Whitaker

Hello to you too

What the fuck?

Langdon

Mel thinks I might be bi

Whitaker

I mean you’d look good sucking dick probably

Langdon

The fuck?

Whitaker

Bit drunk

On wine

Sorry about that Frank

Robby here

Langdon

Because this couldn’t get worse

Whitaker

My boyfriend just said he’s thought about you and oral sex

How do you think I feel?

Langdon

Fair point

Whitaker

Yeah

Do you really want an answer to that question?

Langdon

Probably gonna regret it but sure why not

Whitaker

Fuck what anyone else thinks

You know yourself, and that should be enough

Langdon

Ok truth time

I fooled around a bit in college, before Abby

Then we got serious and I ended it with him before I thought about it too much

You there?

Whitaker

Sorry

Just trying to get Dennis to shut up and stop making inappropriate comments about you

Langdon

Oh lord what did he say?

Whitaker

You don’t want to know

Langdon

That bad?

Whitaker

Let’s just say that if he’d said it to you then you’d be likely to file a complaint with HR

Langdon

He does have a mouth for dirty things

Saying dirty things I mean

I’m not talking about physical stuff

Whitaker

Frank

Go to bed.

Langdon

Will do

Goodnight

 ————

Group chat: Nurses unite 04/01

08:41

Donnie

The fuck is up with Langdon and Whitaker today?

Princess

No idea but that tension?

😘

Divine

Jesse

You didn’t work with them on a trauma

They’re acting like high schoolers after a messy makeout

Kim

Oh god please no

Donnie

Jesus don’t put that out there

No more relationship drama

Plus I don’t want to lose my $20 for nothing

Jesse

Who I just said they’re acting like it

Daddy issues and closeted bisexual are not each others type

Dana

You’re really calling him daddy issues?

Jesse

Hey I called him that before his dad died

And I notice nobody objecting to closeted bisexual

Princess

Hey I called it day one of his intern year

Kim

You did not

Perlah

Yeah "sleeps with anything with a pulse" does not mean bisexual

Dana

We really talking about love lives here?

Donnie

Come on D don’t act like you haven’t seen what we see

Dana

What I see and what I talk about are very different things

Which you should all be grateful for

 ————

Private message: Whitaker & Langdon

11:52

Whitaker

So about last night

Langdon

You really wanna do this over text?

Whitaker

You really wanna do this in person?

Langdon

Fair point

Continue

Whitaker

I was very drunk

Spirits and beer I can handle

Wine.. Not so much

I apologise for saying what I said, it was very inappropriate and extremely unprofessional

Langdon

The comment about me sucking dick or whatever you said when you didn’t have your phone?

Whitaker

Both

The first one was drunk me being stupid and not thinking

The second one was worse

Langdon

I don’t think I want to know the second one

Whitaker

You don’t

So what can I do to make this less awkward?

Langdon

You can tell me about the tattoo

Whitaker

Fuck

Fine

Sent 1 image

I got it when I came back from the funeral

Sort of a reminder of where I came from and where I’m not going again

Langdon

Damn I was hoping it was something stupid and not meaningful

Like a pineapple on your ass or something

Whitaker

I just apologised for talking about you sucking dick and now you’re talking about my ass?

Langdon

Good point

End of discussion

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings

12:08

Langdone with this shit

I KNOW WHAT THE TATTOO IS

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

WTF?

How?

Dennis the menace

You really don’t want to know

Chapter Text

Group chat: The bet

19:38

Dana

Well there was no announcement but I’m out now

Have fun

Princess and Perlah you’re up

Princess

We have separate weeks

Langdon

That you got together so you could work together and split the profit 50/50

Perlah

Lies

 ————

Group chat: Gossip queens

19:42

Perlah

Damn he figured us out

Santos

Everyone figured you out

We were just didn’t say it

Besides you’re not gonna win

Princess

You know this how?

 ————

Group chat: The bet

19:44

Princess

Santos knows something

Santos

Call me Jon Snow

Because I know nothing

Not because I slept with my aunt

Langdon

Why must you say these things

But yeah that was messed up

Jesse

At least they weren’t Lannisters

Langdon

Oh the Targaryens did that too

Santos

Only like ten times

And three of those times didn’t count because those branches of the tree died out

Langdon

Still happened though

From a medical standpoint they should not have survived

Jesse

I mean they weren’t all sleeping with siblings

Kim

Sounds like that band you like

Abbot

Why are we discussing incest?

Langdon

GOT

Jesse

HOTD

Santos

It’s interesting

TV invest that is

But yeah they should not have been that hot

Abbot

Dios mio

Langdon

Well now it’s on Princess and Perlah

May the odds be ever in your favour

 ————

Group chat: Day shift 05/01

07:14

Robby

To all of my lovely staff on this fine morning

Javadi

Uh oh

Robby

Can we PLEASE keep our language proffesional in work?

Because I never want to start my day off hearing the words I just heard from Gloria ever again

McKay

🫡

Also what was said?

Just so we know what not to say

Robby

No

Whitaker

Life can be a butt fuck sometimes

 ————

Private message: Robby & Dennis

07:17

Robby

Really?

 ————

Group chat: Day shift

07:18

Whitaker

Sorry I overheard it

Gloria is loud on the phone

Santos

You know if you two weren’t super obvious this would be a hilarious way to find out that you were together

Whitaker

Unfortunately you all know because you made a big bet about it

Langdon

And you announced it in this chat

Twice

Whitaker

And both times it was great to see your reactions

Mohan

The first time you were high as hell

Whitaker

And freaked out Langdon is a treasured memory

Robby

Why do I even bother?

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings

07:21

Samira the snoop

Ok so who said that?

Because I’m 99% sure it was one of us

Langdone with this shit

I doubt it was Whitaker then

He enjoys butt fucking

Dennis the menace

Oh no I love butt fucking thank you very much

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

By that logic Langdon is also out

Langdone with this shit

Seriously?

Samira the snoop

You don’t wear that closet well Langdon

Langdone with this shit

For fuck sake

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

I’m kidding

Samira the snoop

But it is fun AF to tease you

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

It was me

🙋🏻‍♀️

I said it

And for context there was more

Dennis the menace

Does the context make it better or worse?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

The full thing was

Life can be a butt fuck sometimes, but occasionally the universe hits the G-spot

Dennis the menace

And I thought I was the poet

Samira the snoop

You the hoet

We only expect you to talk nice when you’re fantasising about Robby

Dennis the menace

Like if I said I’d worship that man in a way that would make a church look like a light fan club

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Yep, that sort of shit

Those lovely comments you make when talking about our boss

Dennis the menace

You call him boss

I call him other things

Langdone with this shit

NO

SAY NOTHING ELSE

Samira the snoop

Agreed

————

Private message: Whitaker & Langdon

21:46

 Langdon

Are you drunk?

Whitaker

I’m sat in my underwear eating ice cream

If I got drunk too then this night would not end well

Langdon

Ok that’s fair

Whitaker

What’s up?

Langdon

The other night

Whitaker

I thought we were ignoring that

Langdon

I’m ignoring your drunk comment about me on my knees, but the question remains

Whitaker

Ok

Honestly, I’m not sure that I’m the best person to talk about this with, what with the whole religious trauma and internalised homophobia from a young age

But I’ll give it a go

Have you ever been attracted to guys?

Langdon

I mean I’ve checked out a few guys when I’ve been in the gym

Whitaker

There’s a difference between checking someone out and wanting them on their back Frank

I’m asking if you’ve been attracted to guys sexually?

Langdon

I’m sure you’ve read what I said to Robby

There was a guy in college I did some stuff with

Whitaker

And I’ve tried cooking

Doesn’t make me a chef

That sounded bitchy, sorry

Ok, background time

Back in Nebraska I fooled around with a few guys, but I was the one doing all the work

They didn’t reciprocate, just enjoyed what was available

There was no attraction, they were just horny

None of them called themselves bi

Was it like that in college? The fooling around

Langdon

No, it was more than that

Whitaker

Ok that’s fine, so there was an element of sexual attraction there

Langdon

So that means bi right?

Whitaker

Not definitively

If I had a chance with Sabrina Carpenter I’d take it, because she is beautiful

But that’s me seeing something objectively, there’s no romantic or sexual attraction there

I’m still very gay, but I’ve done stuff with girls, it just took a while to realise

Langdon

Now I’m just confused

Whitaker

I can’t tell you if you’re bi Frank

Ok, think about it this way

You have kids, you had a wife, you had the picture perfect family

Take the wife out of the equation, imagine doing that with a man

Would you be happy doing that?

Don’t answer it now

Just think about it, and know whatever you think is ok, it doesn’t change anything

You’re still with Mel, and feeling whatever you might feel for guys doesn’t invalidate your feelings for her

Being bi doesn’t mean that you have to be with a guy, it just means that you could be. And you don’t have to tell anyone how you feel

Langdon

How am I more confused now than I was before I messaged you?

Whitaker

I said I might not be the best person

It might be extremely awkward, but if you want to talk to someone who’s experienced in that, talk to Robby

Langdon

No you were good, it’s me trying to figure it out

And oh Lord that would be awkward

Might save that as a last resort option

Actually a second to last option

Mel’s suggestion would be last

Whitaker

What did she suggest that would be worse than talking to your boss about his sexuality?

Langdon

Offering to let me sleep with a guy

Well, to kiss a guy, then maybe sleep with a guy

Whitaker

Mel King, ally extreme

But yeah, think of that as a last resort

But good to know me and her think the same

Langdon

What does that mean?

Whitaker

Drunk me had the suggestion of banging a guy to figure it out

Langdon

Was that guy you?

Whitaker

Actually no

Not entirely

Langdon

Oh

OH

Whitaker

I WAS DRUNK

Langdon

How about we just pretend this conversation ended before you suggested I talk to your boyfriend?

Whitaker

Agreed.

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings 05/01

12:58

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

EMERGENCY

Mel

Everything ok?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Clearly fucking not

Dennis the menace

Whoa calm down

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

My apologies Mel

No things are not alright

Yolanda wants me to meet her brother

Langdone with this shit

Oh Francisco?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

You know him?

YOU?

Langdone with this shit

He flew in for her birthday a few years back

What’s the big deal with meeting him?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

I am not good with siblings

At all

Like how am I meant to look him in the eye knowing I’ve finger blasted his sister?

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

How am I meant to look either of you in the eyes knowing you’ve done that

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Oh please crash you’ve had your tongue down our throats

Samira the snoop

WHAT?

Langdone with this shit

Uhh when was this???

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

It was one kiss a few months ago

Langdone with this shit

And I’m getting teased about bisexuality?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

No you’re getting teased for potentially liking men

Who are notoriously disgusting creatures

Dennis the menace

Hey

Langdone with this shit

Rude

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Present company partially excluded

ANYWAY

I’ve avoided him any time he’s been in town when I could but now we’ve made plans and he’s said he’s coming that weekend so I’d have to cancel plans with her to avoid it.

Dennis the menace

And in other news today

Local woman who claimed that she would "cross that bridge when she came to it" has now arrived at said bridge

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Could I still cancel

Langdone with this shit

Exclusive news

Reports are coming in that the local woman who shall remain unidentified is now planning to burn said bridge

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

I hate you both

————

Private message: Luke & Dennis

22:15

Luke

Hey, wasn’t sure if you were working today so thought it was best to text after the kids were in bed

Went for the test today so I should have the results back in a few weeks

You went for yours?

Dennis

Not yet

Haven’t made a decision about it

Luke

Thought you’d be first in line

Dennis

To be honest I don’t know if I want to know

Luke

Seriously?

I know that there’s a chance that we don’t have it, but surely you want to know

Dennis

Why? So I can have another thing to blame him for giving me instead of just beatings?

Luke

So I guess you haven’t told anyone?

Dennis

A friend, and she’s made her feelings on it clear

Luke

Not your partner?

Dennis

You can say boyfriend

Luke

From what you’ve said he’s old enough to have been friends with dad, boyfriend didn’t seem like the right term

Dennis

Like dad had friends

So you’re ok with him being a guy but you draw a line at the age thing?

Luke

Not what I said

If he makes you happy then I’m happy for you because you deserve that more than anyone

But you’re still my little brother so when you tell me that you’re dating a guy 20 years older than you who’s also your boss a part of me does worry, in the same way I would if Connor or Jessie brought home a guy that much older than them

Dennis

Well unlike them I’m not your kid

Luke

Jesus Den l know that. I’m actually trying to be here for you but you’re not making it easy!

Dennis

Because it’s hard to care about me?

I suppose it must be because it was so easy for you not to for all of those years

Luke

I always cared

Dennis

Eight years

That’s almost a third of my life that didn’t have you in it

Luke

YOU LEFT

Dennis

And you didn’t try to find me! You moved on

You had kids and you did the right thing for them because you didn’t do it for me

That is great because they won’t go through what I went through, but it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t stand up for me when I needed it

Luke

Get the fucking test Dennis

Chapter Text

Private message: Dennis & Robby 07/01

20:16

Robby

Wanna come over tonight?

I’d promise to cook but there’s a good chance it would end up burnt so how about I just say whatever we eat will be good?

Dennis

Not tonight

Robby

Everything ok?

Dennis

Perfectly fine

You don’t have to ask if I’m ok just because I said no to dinner

Robby

I asked if you were ok because you’re my boyfriend and I love you, and sometimes I just want to know how you’re doing

No ulterior motives here baby

Dennis

Well I’m fine

If I wasn’t I’d tell you

Robby

I know baby x

Dennis

I’m tired

I think I’m just gonna go to bed

Talk tomorrow

Robby

Ok, sleep well

I love you x

 ————

Private message: Robby & Santos

20:23

Robby

Is there something going on with Dennis that I should be worried about?

Santos

You mean apart from his dead dad?

Robby

Yes

Apart from the very weird and unhealthy way that he’s dealing with his father’s death

Santos

Honestly this feels like a conversation that you should have with him and not me

Robby

Oh I never thought about actually talking to him directly

That’s all I’ve been trying to do and it’s like there’s a wall there

If there’s something he’s asked you to keep to yourself then I respect that, as long as he’s talking to someone about it

It just feels like he’s pulling away from me

Santos

He’s talking about some of it

Some stuff he’s just not ready to talk about yet

Robby

Ok

Well that’s something

Santos

It’ll take time

But if it helps I’m telling him that he should be talking to you about it

Robby

It does

You’re a good friend to him

Santos

Oh I know it

You’re not a terrible boyfriend

Robby

Gee thanks

 ————

Group chat: Nurses unite

21:03

Jesse

Never move in with a boyfriend

Kim

Don’t say you dumped him, I like Alex

Donnie

I’m not choosing sides but I like his coffee more than I like you so we are gonna be speaking a lot less

Jesse

I was literally just complaining about the amount of crap I have to move

Kim

Oh

Donnie

Ohhh

My bad

Jesse

You like his coffee more than you like me? Jesus

Donnie

I mean you don’t bring me to life in the mornings

Jesse

I’m sure I could 😏

Princess

Down boy!

Jesse

Joking

But seriously there is so much to move

Kim

Well yeah you have two of everything

Princess

Now it’s just a matter of making sure that the stuff kept is yours just in case you break up, that way you can keep it all

Jesse

And this is why the radiologist has not subscribed to the relationship package

Princess

Don’t you have boxes to pack?

Jesse

Sent 1 image

Why do I have birthday cards from my 20s?

Donnie

They did birthday cards back in the 1960’s?

Dana

Hey if you’re going to insult a decade insult one that nobody here was born in

Mateo

You were born in the 60s?

Would not have thought it

Looking good mama 😉

Donnie

Eww stop flirting with Dana

Dana

We said we were keeping it quiet Mateo

Hide our torrid love affair

Princess

Oh I can only imagine the reaction if that was actually a thing

Minds would be blown

But seriously you keep too much stuff Jesse

Jesse

Which is why I’m contemplating burning this place to the ground and starting over

Dana

Do not burn down your apartment building

Kim

Please don’t, Bill just got a boyfriend

Princess

Bill?

Kim

Jesse and Whitaker’s married man

Donnie

Oh I forgot about married man

Have you two ever talked about that?

Jesse

Unsurprisingly no, we have not talked about a guy we both slept with at separate times while we are both in relationships

Also Kim why are you talking to a guy I used to fuck?

Princess

Kinda hoping he comes into the ER one day (for a non serious injury) and Whitaker and Jesse get the case

Mateo

Oh that would be a situation that needs popcorn

Jesse

Hate you all

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings 08/01

11:42

Samira the snoop

Oh Lord

That was a broken face

Langdone with this shit

What part of the face?

Samira the snoop

All of it

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

She’s not kidding

Broken jaw

Broken nose

Broken eye socket

Samira the snoop

Don’t forget the cheekbone

Langdone with this shit

Fucking hell

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

What happened?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

He got hit in the face with a shovel

Mel

On purpose?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Best part

Accidentally

Samira the snoop

Apparently the wife spun around as he stood up and caught him right in the face

Langdone with this shit

Ouch

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

If the guy could speak I’m sure he’d have said the same thing

Dennis the menace

Well your trauma was more fun than mine

Samira the snoop

I thought we agreed not to compare traumas after drunk mentions of child abuse

Dennis the menace

I meant the actual trauma case

Guy fell off a ladder but got his leg stuck

Yanked it right out of the socket

And the skin

Mel

🤢🤢🤢

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Ewwww

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Oh that’s gross

Dennis the menace

Only made worse by Park the Shark making an appearance

Samira the snoop

Oh

Mel

I’ve heard people complain about him, is he that bad?

Langdone with this shit

He’s a dick

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

A pure cunt

Yolanda thinks he has a big ego

Langdone with this shit

Oh you know it’s bad when general surgery say you have an ego problem

Dennis the menace

And he’s condescending as hell

And a perv

He spent half the consult leering over at Kim and Emma

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Oh gross

Samira the snoop

Ew, make sure you tell Dana what he was doing

Dennis the menace

She already knows

I kinda reamed him out for it when we were in there

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Dennis Whitaker, defender of feminine virtue

Dennis the menace

More like Dennis Whitaker, hater of perverts

 ————

Private message: Dana & Robby

12:16

Dana

Just got a call from one of the nurses in ortho

Apparently the shark is pissed at your boy

Robby

Shit, what happened?

Dana

The usual

Park was a perv to the nurses

Whitaker noticed and called him out on it

He’s only pissed that he got caught

And that it was an intern that called him on it

Robby

Because things with ortho couldn’t get worse

 ————

Private message: Robby & Dennis

12:31

Robby

Stairs

Now

Dennis

I thought we said no work stuff?

Robby

This isn’t that

Dennis

Oh

Ortho?

Robby

Yep

Dennis

Fine

 ————

Group chat: The bet

12:35

McKay

Ok not really the chat for this but it’s the only one neither are in

Are Whitaker and Robby ok?

Just heard them yelling at each other in the stairwell

Kim

Whitaker shouted at the creep from Ortho

Emma

I need to thank him for that

McKay

Park?

Kim

The one and only

McKay

Urgh, every time I talk to him it’s like he wants to make eye contact with my nipples

Santos

I’m not sure he knows what my face looks like

Straight men, the fuck is up with that?

Donnie

No idea, I was raised with manners

Mateo

I can assure you that he is an anomaly

Langdon

Women have breasts?

Bad joke I know, but yeah he’s an outlier, a creep

Abbot

Someone slap him next time he does it

I will go on record defending you

Santos

Done

McKay

Gladly

Dana

Not one to advocate for violence but kick him in the balls too

Abbot

Yes D 🖐️

 ————

Private message: Robby & Dennis

19:35

Robby

So you’re just going to leave without speaking to me?

Dennis

I’m tired so I’m going home

And I don’t know what there is to say if I’m going to get in trouble for speaking the truth

Robby

Jesus Christ Dennis you weren’t in trouble, I was trying to give you advice

There’s a time and a place for that

Dennis

Yeah well there’s also a time and a place to stare at women like he was and it wasn’t in a trauma room when a guy was about to lose his leg

You know I thought that you of all people would understand

Robby

What’s that supposed to mean?

Dennis

You managed a few months of therapy Michael but don’t act like you’ve forgotten what you were like before you got your dick wet with me

You’re still the same guy who told one of his best residents that she couldn’t handle it

Or did you forget that you told Samira that there was a time and a place to have a panic attack

Robby

Of course I remember and I’ve apologised in great detail for all of that

But you need to remember that you are an intern and he is an attending, and there’s a way to go about these things

Dennis

Yes sir 🫡

Next time I won’t bother

Robby

Jesus kid

Dennis

I am not your kid Michael so whatever lecture you have for me you can forget it and save it for Jake when he decides to give you the time of day again

Robby

Dennis, do you think I’m trying to act like a father to you?

Dennis

Well you haven’t broken any bones or hit me with a belt yet so who knows

Robby

I’m not trying to be anything other than the man who loves you

Dennis

Then stop fucking pitying me!

Yes my dad is dead, and that’s a big thing for someone

Any normal person would be grieving and crying and that’s what you’re expecting me to do

But I don’t care that he’s dead

I’m glad he is

My only regret is that I didn’t get to tell him to his face that I was looking forward to watching them close that casket

Robby

Baby, just take a second and then read that back

All of it

Then tell me that the person who wrote that is ok

Tell me that you wouldn’t be worried if you saw that as a conversation between Trinity and Garcia?

Dennis

I’d tell her that she might need a new girlfriend

Robby

I don’t even know what to say

Dennis

Well that’s a first

Robby

Get some help Dennis

Don’t call me until you do

 ————

Private message: Jesse & Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

20:14

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

So I know we have two of everything already, but I just saw this really cute plate set

Jesse

Are plate sets cute?

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

Sent 1 image

This one is

Jesse

Ok yeah that is nice

But it doesn’t match either of our bowls

Or mugs

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

They have full sets of everything

Plates

Mugs

Bowls

Cutlery

Little plates

🥺

Jesse

I really wanna ask how much we really need new stuff but the thought of smashing all of these plates is appealing

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

We’re not at the wedding yet

No smashing

Jesse

Oh please don’t talk about marriage yet

If princess even thinks we’re talking about it she will be lethal

Also you’re like a quarter Greek, would we really smash plates?

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

We could smash a plate?

And isn’t it her week for the daddy and the mouse?

I’m sure you could walk in with a veil and she wouldn’t notice

Jesse

Oh that fucking bet

I don’t even know why I agreed to it

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

Workplace bonding?

Why’d you agree to the first one?

Jesse

Because it was almost a guarantee

Whitaker was giving fuck me eyes over sucking chest wounds while Robby was looking like he wanted to eat him

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

Meanwhile you were giving fuck me eyes over iced lattes

Jesse

And you looked like you wanted to do more than eat me 

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

How about you stop packing for tonight and come over

And whatever you thought I wanted to do to you

I’m doing to you

Jesse

15 minutes

Just got to get changed

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

You know the clothes aren’t staying on right?

Jesse

Who said I was changing clothes? 🩲

Coffee Alex ☕️♥️

I shall be waiting 😏

 ————

Private message: Garcia & Santos

20:47

Santos

Ok I just need to say it

The idea of meeting your brother terrifies me

Like I sweat when I think about saying hello

How am I meant to sit and talk to him????

Garcia

Whoa, calm down babe

What exactly is it about meeting him that’s got you so worried?

Santos

He’s your brother

If he doesn't like me then he’s going to tell you

And if he tells you then you’re going to have to think about making sure we’re not around each other

And if he really doesn’t like me then you’ll have to choose between me and him

And I know where I fall if it’s choosing between your brother and your girlfriend

Garcia

Trinity

He’s going to love you

And if he doesn’t then I don’t care

Because it’s not his relationship

I may be totally wrong and stepping over a line here, but is this the first time you’ve met a girlfriend’s family?

Santos

Kind of

Garcia

Kind of?

Santos

The first time where they actually knew we were together

All the other times it’s been I’ve known the parents and then seduced the daughter who is my friend, or I’ve been ‘a friend’

Garcia

Then it’s fine to be nervous

But you don’t need to be

Just be like you were with me when we met and it’s gonna be fine

Santos

The first day we met I dropped a scalpel in your foot

Garcia

And you still managed to get me into bed

If that doesn’t tell you how good you are at talking to people then what will?

Santos

I don’t think I want to be THAT good at talk to him

Garcia

Yeah that would make things awkward

We made a promise not to share any more partners

Santos

ANY MORE?

Garcia

Melanie Hayward

I’d just graduated college so I decided to stay the summer with him

His apartment was basically a building full of students

I met her when I was doing laundry, started talking, took her upstairs

She ran into him as she was leaving

They’d hooked up a few weeks before

Santos

Oh god I think I’d die

Garcia

Yeah it was kinda awkward but we laugh about it now

Santos

Well at least I won’t be the worst partner he’s been introduced to

Garcia

That is very true 😂

Lead with that

 ————

Private message: Javadi & Whitaker

21:53

Whitaker

I think I fucked up

Like big time fucked up

I’m not ok

Javadi

Shit

Ok, I’m sure everything is gonna be fine

You called Robby?

Whitaker

I think we just broke up

Chapter Text

Private message: Javadi & Whitaker

21:57

Javadi

Broke up?

How?

Whitaker

He told me not to call him

Javadi

That fucking man

He’s making me agree with my mother

What happened? I know you two were arguing earlier

Whitaker

That was just the job getting in the way of the relationship, that was bound to happen sooner or later

He was back on his old bullshit and I called him out on it, and then he told me that I didn’t sound ok

He actually told me to read my messages and ask myself if I saw those from someone else would I be worried

Which is actually ridiculous

And I told him that

Then he told me to get some help and not call him until I’d done that

So yeah

Relationship over

Javadi

Let’s see them

Whitaker

Huh?

Javadi

The messages

You say you’re ok then fine I believe you, but a lot of the time Robby doesn’t worry without a reason, so let me see and then we can talk about it

Whitaker

You know you’re not a shrink yet Vic?

Javadi

I am aware

Now send me the damn messages

Whitaker

Sent 4 images

There

Javadi

Fucking hell

This is you being ok?

Whitaker

So I can’t get a bit pissed at him?

Javadi

You being pissed at him is you calling him Michael

You not being ok is you bringing up his step son who still doesn’t speak to him after one of the worst days of our lives

He’s right Dennis

Whitaker

So you think I should be crying and whimpering about my dad too?

Javadi

No, you’ve said enough about everything that happened that I agree with you

But I don’t think you do

Not entirely

And I think that part of you that doesn’t agree hates you

Whitaker

Anything else to diagnose doctor J?

Javadi

His dying has brought back a lot of memories of what he made you think your life should be and now you’re unconsciously sabotaging those relationships that he wouldn’t approve of

Starting with your boyfriend

That wasn’t him dumping you

That was him telling you to get help because you’re already done with him

Whitaker

I think I might be done with this conversation too

Javadi

Seriously Dennis

Talk to a therapist

 ————

Private message: Robby & Abbot

22:02

Robby

I fucked up

Abbot

Oh lord

What happened this time?

Robby

I pushed too hard and now I think we’re done

Abbot

Who? You and Whitaker?

Fucking hell brother what did you say this time?

Robby

I told him to get help

And to not come back until he did

Abbot

Oh

And why did you say that?

Robby

Because I barely recognise him anymore

And then he brought up Jake and it was like he was trying to make it hurt

I just needed him to stop

So

Sent 4 images

Abbot

Shit

Robby

Yeah I fucked up bad

Abbot

You didn’t though

He checked out

He basically dumped you when he sent that message about Santos and Garcia

This wasn’t on you

Robby

It feels like it is

I knew he wasn’t coping, I just couldn’t get him to talk to me

Abbot

How long did it take for you to talk to someone about your feelings?

Robby

I don’t think I can wait years

Abbot

Then don’t

You love him, that’s great, but if he can’t, or won’t accept that, it’s on him

Talk to Santos, get her to see how he is

Robby

Ask her to spy on him you mean?

Abbot

Get her to check on a friend that you’re worried about

God you make things so much worse than they are

Robby

You know last time we broke up he was out sleeping with someone else within a few days

Abbot

That was after you dumped him

But he came back

You know as well as anyone that people hurting hurt others

Give him time

Remember, his prefrontal cortex has only just developed

Robby

You really making a joke about his age right now?

Abbot

Seemed like a good way to get you to stop thinking about Whitaker

Did you or did you not stop tracking his location and chuckle at that?

Robby

I plead the fifth

Abbot

Thought so

It’s gonna be fine

 ————

 Private message: Mel & Langdon

22:45

Langdon

Remember you offered to let me try stuff with a guy?

Mel

Not something I think I’d forget

Is there someone?

Langdon

Oh god no

But it seemed like the best intro to the fact that I just got a message from Whitaker asking if he could blow me

Mel

I’m sorry what?

Langdon

Sent 1 image

How do I respond to that?

Mel

I don’t know

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings- Huckleberry

22:49

Mel

Where’s Whitaker?

Samira

You know that this is the chat that specifically doesn’t contain him right?

He isn’t gonna answer

Santos

In his room

Pretty sure he’s drinking

Langdon

Babe, maybe not the best time for this

Javadi

Ooh

Sounds juicy

Langdon

Not juicy

Not at all juicy

Santos

Someone spill

Mel

Whitaker

Sweet, lovely, in a relationship Whitaker

Just asked my boyfriend if he could suck his dick

Javadi

WHAT

Samira

EXCUSE ME

Santos

As in if Langdon could suck him or if he could suck Langdon

Javadi

Is that really the most important question here?

Santos

Back in a minute

Samira

What did you say back?

Langdon

Uhh nothing

Because what the fuck can I say to that?

Why isn’t he asking his boyfriend to do that?

Javadi

They broke up

Langdon

Huh?

Mel

They did?

Samira

When?

Santos

He’s locked his door and just told me to fuck off

They broke up?

Again?

Gonna kill that old man

Javadi

It wasn’t his fault

Santos

You’re saying Dennis dumped him? That wouldn’t happen

Also how do you know this?

Javadi

Fuck

Ok, this goes out to nobody else ok?

Swear it

Samira

Swear

Langdon

Swear

Just please explain this

Mel

Swear

Santos

Fine I swear

Javadi

Sent 4 images

Read them

Samira

Jesus

He didn’t hold back

Mel

I feel less angry about what he said now but I’m also very worried about him

Santos

Fucking men

This is because of his dad

Javadi

Damn old white men

Samira

Amen

Langdon

If this is them fucking with us again I’m gonna be pissed

Santos

They’re not fucking with us

Some stuff happened when Huck went back to Nebraska and he’s being a stubborn bastard and not dealing with it

On top of not dealing with his dad dying

Even if he did deserve to die

Javadi

Oh totally I’m glad he’s dead

Langdon

I would have gladly ran him over with a tractor

Samira

Same

Mel

My dad died too, but I didn’t offer blowjobs to my friend’s boyfriends

Langdon

Babe, you were 13 when your dad died

But I do see your point

So do we try and get them back together?

Samira

Nope

We don’t get involved in this

Javadi

Agreed

Santos

100%

So why did Huckleberry message you for a blowjob?

Langdon

🧑🏻‍⚕️🏳️‍🌈

Surprise

Santos

I KNEW IT

 ————

Group chat: The bet 09/01

07:42

Princess

Are all of you doctors just ignoring what you’re seeing right now?

The fuck is happening today

Javadi

It’s their business

Santos

Staying out of it

Langdon

You don’t wanna know

Mohan

Not my place to say

Abbot

Not my place

Mohan

Wait you know?

Abbot

You know?

McKay

Well I don’t so someone please explain

Nvm

Just heard Whitaker tell Robby to go fuck himself and to stop acting like his boyfriend

Guessing they broke up?

Princess

WHAT

NOOOOOO

Kim

Oh Jesus

Javadi

Yeah they did

Donnie

Well this is gonna be fun

Jesse

Lord these faggots be testing me

Dana

Really Jesse?

Jesse

Hey I can say it

Santos

So can I

Jesse

Gay on gay crime

Langdon

Can I say it?

Santos

Not until you accept that offer 😉

Until then you can say "gots"

Jesse

🤨

Princess

👀👀

Mel

Please don’t accept that offer

Donnie

Please explain what the hell you’re talking about

Langdon

I’m bi

Donnie

Hi bi, I’m dad

Santos

Not the time for dad jokes

And he got an offer for mouth stuff from a guy

Which I pray he hasn’t accepted

Langdon

Believe me I have not

 ————

Private message: Samira & Jack

07:51

Samira

So you know what happened?

Jack

I do

And apparently you do too?

Samira

I do

What did Robby tell you?

Jack

He showed me the messages

Samira

How many screenshots?

Jack

You really trying to make sure I actually saw them?

Samira

I am indeed

I know you can bluff

Jack

The last message said not to call him until he did

Samira

Ok, you’re clear

What the fuck was that??

Jack

No idea

But Robby is going crazy over it

Samira

I can’t believe I’m on Robby’s side

Everyone is

Jack

Even Santos?

Samira

Not in as many words but she didn’t defend him

Glad that he acknowledged the panic attack

Jack

If he didn’t I’d be pissed

Samira

Yeah

Santos said some stuff happened when he went back to Nebraska, but didn’t say any more than that

I guess we just need to wait for him to talk

Abbot

Maybe

But if you give someone too long they might take that as permission to keep it secret

 ————

Private message: Robby & Dennis

19:47

Dennis

So now you’re just ignoring me?

Robby

No

I’m just not chasing you when you choose to act like a brat

Dennis

Oh I’m a brat now?

You always liked that before

Robby

That was when we were a couple

Dennis

And what are we now?

Apparently not a couple

Robby

Jesus Christ den you shouted at me telling me not to act like your boyfriend

Last night you said you wanted to break up with me for caring if you’re ok

At this point it feels like you’re just waiting for me to say it so you can be the victim

Dennis

I am not the fucking victim

Of you or anyone

We’re over Michael

Robby

Ok

Dennis

I mean it

Robby

I know you do

Dennis

We’re done

Robby

Dennis

You’ve been done for a while now baby

You’re only just getting around to saying it

 ————

Private message: Whitaker & Abbot

20:02

Whitaker

What are the chances you have space for an intern on night shift?

Chapter Text

Private message: Trin Trin & Huckster 10/01

05:28

Huckster

I’m gonna be out before you leave

 ————

Group chat: Day shift 

07:29

Robby removed Dennis Whitaker from the chat

Robby

So some of you may be aware, others may not be

But Whitaker has decided to move to the night shift

So we wish him luck on his endeavours

Donnie

Oh damn

Perlah

Since when?

@Santos did you know about this?

Santos

I’m gonna kill that little fucker

 ————

Private message: Trin Trin & Huckster

07:32

Trin Trin

Night shift?

Fucking night shift?

And I had to hear it from Robby?

Robby, of all people?

The fuck Dennis?

Huckster

You were right

Dating your boss isn’t a good idea

Well now he’s not my boyfriend or my boss

He dumped me, I swapped shifts

Trin Trin

For fuck sake he didn’t dump you

You checked out

Huckster

Do you think I need help?

Trin Trin

Always

But if you’re talking about your dad and the other thing, then yes

Huckster

Not that

I don’t want to talk about that

Besides, Luke texted again, he’s clear

So are Kurt and James

And there’s like a 25% inheritance rate

So 🤷🏼‍♂️

Trin Trin

Not how genetics work dumbass

25% of cases are inherited, not a 25% of inheriting it

And even if it was, it’s not a guarantee, it’s an average

10% of the world is left handed

If you went into work and asked, it wouldn’t be a perfect 10% that say they’re left handed

I get that you’re scared

But don’t you think you’ll be more scared if it happens in 20 years without warning?

Huckster

Do you really think I checked out with Robby?

Trin Trin

Truthfully?

Yeah

The last few weeks have not shown me the same two people I once bet on taking to Thanksgiving to finally figure out their feelings

Also where are you?

I just saw your message

Huckster

Went out for a run

Trin Trin

You better not be knelt in a bathroom right now

Huckster

I promise I am not sucking dick as I type

I’ll be home in half an hour or so

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings

09:15

Dennis the menace

So Robby has apparently told everyone

Yeah I’m moving to nights

Langdone with this shit

Dude

If this is embarrassment from that message

Dennis the menace

It’s not

And again sorry about that

I was very drunk

Sorry to you too Mel

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

I don’t want you to go

Dennis the menace

It’s not like I’m moving, I’m just working nights

You’ll see me at handovers, and we’ll still talk here

And we’ll go out

Mel

Somewhere without alcohol

Langdone with this shit

Mel.

Dennis the menace

Fair enough

Maybe pizza instead

It’s just what’s best for me at the moment

Plus there’s still a very good chance I’ll pick up a few day shifts

You’re all great friends you know that right?

Samira the snoop

Jeez man you’re moving to nights not dying

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings- huckleberry

09:23

Samira

Do we need to put him on suicide watch?

 ————

Group chat: Night Crawlers

22:17

Abbot to need a walker added Dennis Whitaker and shared chat history

Abbot to need a walker

I ask five minutes without jokes or bitchy comments to welcome Whitaker to the night shift

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Damn old man you pinched the boss’s boyfriend?

That cold

Welcome Whitaker, you need a nickname

Coffee vampire

Welcome young one

And you don’t need a nickname but she won’t let us not have one

Whitaker

Glad to be here, and I asked to move to nights

Also he’s not my boyfriend anymore

Coffee vampire

Shit

Well there’s more eye candy on nights anyways, you’re in good company

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

You are not eye candy

Coffee vampire

Uhh I’m a snack

But I was talking about tits and arms

Whitaker

I’d say I’m not sure that I want to know but I’m sure I’ll find out

Hunky Henderson

I’m arms

Abbot to need a walker

I’m tits

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

I’m uncomfortable

Also good luck Whitaker

They’re nosy AF

Whitaker

Are they going to make a bet about me sleeping with the ER chief?

Because if not then they’re better than day shift

Hunky Henderson

Oh we don’t bet usually

Ellis will just ask you point blank

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

And does that not get results?

 ————

Private message: Gay Asian and Lady muncher 11/01

07:14

Gay Asian

Would Robby kill me if I slept with Whitaker?

Lady muncher

You haven't even had one shift with the twink yet and you're already think about fucking him?

Does your mind just revolve around dick and coffee?

Also you saw how down the old man was? He pining big time

Gay Asian

No

Dick, ass, and coffee

And I don’t mean straight away, but that twunk has nice arms

And a cute butt

Lady mucher

Abbot has shown me those day shift chats

If you give us that level of drama then forget Robby, I will be the one to kill you

Gay Asian

Sometimes I don’t think you respect that I’m your boss

Lady muncher

I’ve seen you in a crop top getting fingered in Hot Mass

I have no respect for you

Gay Asian

I was not getting fingered

I was getting groped and the hands may have realised that my underwear was easy access

Lady muncher

People’s lives in your hands

 ————

Group chat: Nurses unite

08:02

Kim

This is weird

Donnie

We’ve worked shifts without the kid before

Perlah

Yeah but now it’s just like, poof, he’s gone

Kim

And night shift?

Of all places

Jesse

Hey I used to work nights

Mateo

You did?

Jesse

Back when I first started

Dana 

Oh Lena was pissed about you moving

She still is

Calls you a traitor

Jesse

Good to know

Also good to know he won’t sleep with the boss on night shift

Princess

I dunno, Shen is single

Donnie

Girl don’t even put that into the universe

We cannot be dealing with doctor on doctor crime 

Robby would kill that night shift hunk

Princess

You think Shen is a hunk?

Jesse

He’s an aged twunk

Princess

I dunno, I’ve seen him shirtless

Jesse

If only he was straight

Emma

Is every man in this hospital gay?

Donnie

Ummm… hi

Mateo

Still here you know?

Jesse

But apart from them, abbot (a waste), and a creepy ortho surgeon pretty much

 ————

Group chat: Nurse bros

08:16

Mateo

Wait, is it seriously only us and abbot down here that like women?

Donnie

What about Larry and Antoine?

Jesse

Oh Antoine is straight

Larry I’m not sure

Donnie

I’ve heard him mention a girlfriend but I’ve also seen the way he looks at Abbot

Jesse

And what way is that?

Donnie

The same way you look at him

Like you want him to do a rectal check with his dick

Mateo

How do you know that look?

Jesse

🤨

Donnie

Fucking hell it was a joke, you look at him a lot and you’ve admitted you’re hot for him

Mateo

What about the tall resident on nights, Henderson?

Jesse

No idea, never spoken to him

Donnie

Get Whitaker to find out

Jesse

Not a chance

I will not point that bottom in any direction

Mateo

You talking about his ass or him being a bottom?

Jesse

Both

 ————

Private message: Robby & Abbot

16:54

Abbot

Anything I should know about Whitaker before his shift tonight?

Robby

He likes to get close and then rip your heart out before stomping on it in hard boots

Abbot

I meant professionally?

But good to know you’re taking this breakup well

Robby

You remember what he was like to me when I broke it off?

At least I’m not saying my shit to his face

Abbot

Fair enough

Robby

And as much as I hate to admit it, he’s great

Empathetic to a fault with patients, he listens to them, takes his time to make sure they’re good

And he follows orders perfectly

He can be a little shy to offer an opinion in a trauma but once he gets used to you all then he’ll make sure he’s heard

Not in an arrogant way though

Abbot

You realise that we don’t want him to get used to us right?

Robby

Huh?

Abbot

Fucking hell man

You two are good together, I see it, Samira sees it

Fucking hell Gloria sees it

You belong together

Robby

I thought so too, then he dumped me

So it’s done

Abbot

You think him and Santos had this same conversation when you broke it off?

He gave you another chance

Robby

Yeah well one of the big things of our relationship was that he was a better person than I am

 ————

Private message: Gay Asian and Lady muncher

18:43

Gay Asian

Sent 1 image

Lady muncher

God you’re bad enough with one coffee

Why’d you get two?

Gay Asian

I got one

Whitaker got the other

Lady muncher

Don’t you dare

Gay Asian

Sent 1 image

He also got you that coconut latte you rave about

Lady muncher

Shit he wants to make an impression

Gay Asian

He just dropped a pen right in front of me

He defo made an impression

Lady muncher

I’m gonna get a spray bottle for every time you think about fucking that little white boy

Gay Asian

Please don’t

I’ll be wetter than you are when you think about Walsh

Lady muncher

It was one fuck

A damn good fuck but a single fuck none the less

But seriously, purge all thoughts of bending that intern over from your brain

You do not want to be the attending that sleeps with interns

Gay Asian

What about when he’s an R2?

Lady muncher

I’ll still judge you

But not as much

 ————

Group chat: The Pittlings - huckleberry

19:24

Langdon

I know I can be very bad at reading this stuff at times

But was Whitaker flirting with Shen there?

Chapter Text

Group chat: The Pittlings

20:15

Dennis the menace

Ok who attacks someone with a toothbrush?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Convicts?

Samira the snoop

Irritated dentists?

Langdone with this shit

John Wick if he was being hunted in a toothbrush factory?

Dennis the menace

Valid

Really?

Good Lord help me

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

The question is where they stuck the toothbrush

Mel

I don’t think I want to know where they stuck the toothbrush

Dennis the menace

You definitely don’t want to know where they stuck the toothbrush

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Now I’m imagining the very bad places that they could have stuck the toothbrush

Langdone with this shit

You’ve all written toothbrush too many times and now my head is reading it weirdly

That happen to anyone else?

Mel

Quite often

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Nope

Maybe you’re just messed up in the head

Samira the snoop

ANYWAY

How’s night shift going?

Dennis the menace

Not too bad

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

Are they treating you ok?

Samira the snoop

They better be

Dennis the menace

You know that this isn’t my first night shift right?

Langdone with this shit

Yeah but there’s covering night shift and then there’s being night shift

The night walkers

Dennis the menace

Night crawlers actually

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Night walkers makes them sound like hookers

Samira the snoop

Yeah let’s not describe my boyfriend as a hooker

Langdone with this shit

I’d never thought about it before but abbot could make a lot as a hooker

Dennis the menace

Would you be one of his clients?

Langdone with this shit

Depends on his rate

You?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Ok I’ve never been in a heterosexual relationship but I imagine that it’s similar to lesbianism in the sense that we don’t want to hear our partners talk about wanting to fuck other people

Langdone with this shit

My apologies

Dennis the menace

Whereas we homosexuals will talk about fucking anyone

Samira the snoop

Do I even wanna know who’s names came up in your bedroom talk?

Mel

I know l don’t

Goodnight

Dennis the menace

Oh no, Robby was, well let’s just say territorial

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

Oh you cannot say that after some of the hickeys we saw you left on him

Samira the snoop

True

Dennis the menace

We didn’t talk about that, but generally a lot of gays will talk about sex a lot

Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)

By a lot of gays do you mean Shen?

Dennis the menace

I do mean Shen

He talks about it a lot

Langdone with this shit

Are you jealous?

Samira the snoop

I think he might be hot for an attending

Dennis the menace

Oh god no, I am not putting myself through that again

Samira the snoop

We’ll see

 ————

Private message: Samira & Jack

20:53

Samira

What’s your take on Shen and Whitaker?

Jack

They’re good doctors

Samira

Not as doctors

As, well, Shen AND Whitaker

Jack

Wait like together?

Samira

Penny drops

Jack

Shen has went for worse guys

Like seriously worse guys

He slept with a college professor in his sixties

This was while he was in college

Nothing against college professors in general

Or people in their sixties 

Samira

Ew I didn’t need to know that

Jack

You think I wanted to know that?

It’s scarred into my brain

But do I think they could get together? Probably

Samira

Seriously?

Jack

Are we talking romantically or just sex?

Samira

Either

Jack

Romance is probably a no

John swore off dating after his last fling turned out to be married

To a woman

But sex could happen 

which would mean a lot of paperwork

Samira

Do gay men actually sleep with each other?

That’s three gay guys I know who have slept with married men

Jack

This is when we find out they’re all the same guy

Samira

I mean Jesse and Dennis did share the same guy

(At separate times)

Bear with me

————

Group chat: The Pittlings

21:07

Samira the snoop

@whitaker

What was the name of married man from breakup 1?

Dennis the menace

Breakup 1?

That’s what we’re calling it?

Langdone with this shit

I mean it would make things easier when we’re talking about it

I think it was Brian

Or Blake?

Santos (I don’t need a nickname)

You mean Bill?

Samira the snoop

Bill!

Thank you

————

Private message: Samira & Jack

21:16

Samira

Married man was called Bill

Jack

Great

What do I do with that?

Samira

Find out if Shen’s married man was called Bill too

Jack

How?

"Hey John, what was the name of the guy you slept with that ended up ruining his marriage?"

Samira

Well technically Jesse is the one that wrecked that marriage

And I’m sure that a man of your abilities will find a way

————

Private message: Gay Asian & Lady muncher

23:48

Gay Asian

I see you looking

Stop it

Lady muncher

I was having a conversation

Gay Asian

You were imagining her naked

Lady muncher

Ok fine I was reminiscing about how her tongue felt

Gay Asian

Ewwwww

Lady muncher

But you cannot judge me

Whenever I see you I can tell where farm boy is

Gay Asian

Is that his nickname now? Farm boy?

Lady muncher

He has a few nicknames

Santos calls him huckleberry

Em said Garcia refers to him as white chocolate

Which I do like

Gay Asian

Em?

Lady muncher

Shut up

————

Group chat: Night crawlers 12/01

01:12

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

How do we feel about wet Whitaker as a nickname?

Coffee vampire

Pee time?

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Pee time

Hunky Henderson

If you saw the way he just rolled his eyes when he read your message you’d probably call him a diva

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Sold.

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy) set Dennis Whitaker’s nickname to Diva Dennis

Diva Dennis

Really?

Abbot to need a walker

You think I had a choice in this name?

Coffee vampire

I tried to change mine once but she hit me

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Because Slutdrop Shen is not a nickname I want showing on my phone

Coffee vampire

For context my previous nickname was Shit talking Shen

Hunky Henderson

I mean Slutdrop Shen and Diva Dennis would be a great duo

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

Then we’d have tits, arms, ass and face

At least I’m assuming Whitaker would be face based on diva

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Tits

Arms

Ass

Bottom eyes

Diva Dennis

Not you too

Hunky Henderson

Bottom eyes?

Coffee vampire

Eyes of intense yearning from a gay

Basically a resting expression to scream "bend me over"

Hunky Henderson

No judgement but you homos are wild

Diva Dennis

We are indeed

Coffee vampire

It’s a talent 😉

————

Private message: Old papa & favourite daughter

02:26

Old papa

Are you seeing what I’m seeing?

Favourite daughter

I don’t have cataracts so probably

But to be safe, what do you see?

Old papa

I see an attending and an intern who keep looking at each other like they’re considering how solid the couch in the break room is

Favourite daughter

Jesus Abbot, why put that image in my head?

You could have just said they look like they might wanna fuck

Which I am not in favour of but what can you do?

Old papa

Potentially something twisted

You remember Shen’s married man?

Favourite daughter

Unfortunately yes

Why?

Old papa

While they’re busy with that trauma come over here.

 ————

Group chat: Night crawlers

05:38

Ellis (but your wife calls me daddy)

Ok, question for all

Is marriage a reason not to sleep with someone?

Abbot to need a walker

I would say so

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

Yes

Hunky Henderson

Not necessarily the marriage, but the possibility of the man finding me in bed with his wife is a good reason

Coffee vampire

Is it a happy marriage?

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

No

Hunky Henderson

I don’t remember you asking that question before you had your last married man

Coffee vampire

I didn’t know

The first time

I was dickmatised

He kept saying he would leave her

Abbot to need a walker

But did he?

Coffee vampire

Actually he has now

I saw him at Christmas with a boyfriend

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

You saw him?

Or you saw him?

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

Am I the only one who can’t read inflection over text?

Diva Dennis

As someone fluent in lesbian judgement (all due respect Doctor Ellis) that’s her asking if he ran into them in the street or if they had a threesome

Coffee vampire

Oh how I have waited for somebody else fluent in lesbian

And I just saw him

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

What about you Whitaker, what’s your opinion?

Diva Dennis

My upbringing says no and you’d burn in hell for adultery

But my upbringing also says that I would burn in hell for homosexuality so I’m just gonna preach what I didn’t practice and say no don’t sleep with someone who’s married

Coffee vampire

Whitaker and a married man? I am shocked

Hunky Henderson

You look so innocent

Coffee vampire

Can his new nickname be Britney?

Abbot to need a walker

?

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Shame on you old man

But no

Now we want deets

Hunky Henderson

Do we?

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

I don’t know if we do

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Yes

Diva Dennis

Fine

No judgement here right?

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

I will judge

But I judge everyone

And you can’t be worse then Shen and his married man

Diva Dennis

Well it was right after I got out of the hospital

Abbot to need a walker

Are we talking about when you got out of the hospital because you got spiked and your heart stopped and in a morphine induced haze you admitted to sleeping with the chief of the emergency department?

Or when you got out because you burned your hand?

Diva Dennis

 …

The first one

Abbot to need a walker

Jesus Christ

Diva Dennis

I had almost died!

And I found a guy on Grindr and I went over there

Which I only regret because I then found out that he was Jesse’s neighbour

Coffee vampire

Wait, you slept with Bill?

Diva Dennis

You know Bill?

Coffee vampire

I slept with Bill!

Repeatedly

Hunky Henderson

Oh my god 😂😂

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

You slept with the same guy? 

Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)

Not only that, but Jesse slept with him too? 😂

Damn he only needs Robby and Langdon and he’ll have collected the full set of ER staff available

Hunky Henderson

This is hilarious and I have no stakes in it

So gonna have to tease you about this

Coffee vampire

Hey Whit, did he do that thing with the tongue?

Hunky Henderson

No, do not talk about sex here

Diva Dennis

Oh yeah

Did he ever bring out the long one for you?

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

Ew gross

Coffee vampire

You kidding? He bought that for me

You two ever make it to the bed or was he a stickler for the couch with you?

Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)

I’m done

Hunky Henderson

Tapping out

Abbot to need a walker

I know we’re weird but fucking hell

————

Private message: Samira & Jack

06:02

Jack

Same guy

But they’re now comparing notes