Chapter Text
Group chat: The Pittlings
20:15
Dennis the menace
Ok who attacks someone with a toothbrush?
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Convicts?
Samira the snoop
Irritated dentists?
Langdone with this shit
John Wick if he was being hunted in a toothbrush factory?
Dennis the menace
Valid
Really?
Good Lord help me
Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)
The question is where they stuck the toothbrush
Mel
I don’t think I want to know where they stuck the toothbrush
Dennis the menace
You definitely don’t want to know where they stuck the toothbrush
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Now I’m imagining the very bad places that they could have stuck the toothbrush
Langdone with this shit
You’ve all written toothbrush too many times and now my head is reading it weirdly
That happen to anyone else?
Mel
Quite often
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Nope
Maybe you’re just messed up in the head
Samira the snoop
ANYWAY
How’s night shift going?
Dennis the menace
Not too bad
Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)
Are they treating you ok?
Samira the snoop
They better be
Dennis the menace
You know that this isn’t my first night shift right?
Langdone with this shit
Yeah but there’s covering night shift and then there’s being night shift
The night walkers
Dennis the menace
Night crawlers actually
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Night walkers makes them sound like hookers
Samira the snoop
Yeah let’s not describe my boyfriend as a hooker
Langdone with this shit
I’d never thought about it before but abbot could make a lot as a hooker
Dennis the menace
Would you be one of his clients?
Langdone with this shit
Depends on his rate
You?
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Ok I’ve never been in a heterosexual relationship but I imagine that it’s similar to lesbianism in the sense that we don’t want to hear our partners talk about wanting to fuck other people
Langdone with this shit
My apologies
Dennis the menace
Whereas we homosexuals will talk about fucking anyone
Samira the snoop
Do I even wanna know who’s names came up in your bedroom talk?
Mel
I know l don’t
Goodnight
Dennis the menace
Oh no, Robby was, well let’s just say territorial
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
Oh you cannot say that after some of the hickeys we saw you left on him
Samira the snoop
True
Dennis the menace
We didn’t talk about that, but generally a lot of gays will talk about sex a lot
Javadi (Bitches I’m legal now)
By a lot of gays do you mean Shen?
Dennis the menace
I do mean Shen
He talks about it a lot
Langdone with this shit
Are you jealous?
Samira the snoop
I think he might be hot for an attending
Dennis the menace
Oh god no, I am not putting myself through that again
Samira the snoop
We’ll see
————
Private message: Samira & Jack
20:53
Samira
What’s your take on Shen and Whitaker?
Jack
They’re good doctors
Samira
Not as doctors
As, well, Shen AND Whitaker
Jack
Wait like together?
Samira
Penny drops
Jack
Shen has went for worse guys
Like seriously worse guys
He slept with a college professor in his sixties
This was while he was in college
Nothing against college professors in general
Or people in their sixties
Samira
Ew I didn’t need to know that
Jack
You think I wanted to know that?
It’s scarred into my brain
But do I think they could get together? Probably
Samira
Seriously?
Jack
Are we talking romantically or just sex?
Samira
Either
Jack
Romance is probably a no
John swore off dating after his last fling turned out to be married
To a woman
But sex could happen
which would mean a lot of paperwork
Samira
Do gay men actually sleep with each other?
That’s three gay guys I know who have slept with married men
Jack
This is when we find out they’re all the same guy
Samira
I mean Jesse and Dennis did share the same guy
(At separate times)
Bear with me
————
Group chat: The Pittlings
21:07
Samira the snoop
@whitaker
What was the name of married man from breakup 1?
Dennis the menace
Breakup 1?
That’s what we’re calling it?
Langdone with this shit
I mean it would make things easier when we’re talking about it
I think it was Brian
Or Blake?
Santos (I don’t need a nickname)
You mean Bill?
Samira the snoop
Bill!
Thank you
————
Private message: Samira & Jack
21:16
Samira
Married man was called Bill
Jack
Great
What do I do with that?
Samira
Find out if Shen’s married man was called Bill too
Jack
How?
"Hey John, what was the name of the guy you slept with that ended up ruining his marriage?"
Samira
Well technically Jesse is the one that wrecked that marriage
And I’m sure that a man of your abilities will find a way
————
Private message: Gay Asian & Lady muncher
23:48
Gay Asian
I see you looking
Stop it
Lady muncher
I was having a conversation
Gay Asian
You were imagining her naked
Lady muncher
Ok fine I was reminiscing about how her tongue felt
Gay Asian
Ewwwww
Lady muncher
But you cannot judge me
Whenever I see you I can tell where farm boy is
Gay Asian
Is that his nickname now? Farm boy?
Lady muncher
He has a few nicknames
Santos calls him huckleberry
Em said Garcia refers to him as white chocolate
Which I do like
Gay Asian
Em?
Lady muncher
Shut up
————
Group chat: Night crawlers 12/01
01:12
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
How do we feel about wet Whitaker as a nickname?
Coffee vampire
Pee time?
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Pee time
Hunky Henderson
If you saw the way he just rolled his eyes when he read your message you’d probably call him a diva
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Sold.
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy) set Dennis Whitaker’s nickname to Diva Dennis
Diva Dennis
Really?
Abbot to need a walker
You think I had a choice in this name?
Coffee vampire
I tried to change mine once but she hit me
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Because Slutdrop Shen is not a nickname I want showing on my phone
Coffee vampire
For context my previous nickname was Shit talking Shen
Hunky Henderson
I mean Slutdrop Shen and Diva Dennis would be a great duo
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
Then we’d have tits, arms, ass and face
At least I’m assuming Whitaker would be face based on diva
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Tits
Arms
Ass
Bottom eyes
Diva Dennis
Not you too
Hunky Henderson
Bottom eyes?
Coffee vampire
Eyes of intense yearning from a gay
Basically a resting expression to scream "bend me over"
Hunky Henderson
No judgement but you homos are wild
Diva Dennis
We are indeed
Coffee vampire
It’s a talent 😉
————
Private message: Old papa & favourite daughter
02:26
Old papa
Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
Favourite daughter
I don’t have cataracts so probably
But to be safe, what do you see?
Old papa
I see an attending and an intern who keep looking at each other like they’re considering how solid the couch in the break room is
Favourite daughter
Jesus Abbot, why put that image in my head?
You could have just said they look like they might wanna fuck
Which I am not in favour of but what can you do?
Old papa
Potentially something twisted
You remember Shen’s married man?
Favourite daughter
Unfortunately yes
Why?
Old papa
While they’re busy with that trauma come over here.
————
Group chat: Night crawlers
05:38
Ellis (but your wife calls me daddy)
Ok, question for all
Is marriage a reason not to sleep with someone?
Abbot to need a walker
I would say so
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
Yes
Hunky Henderson
Not necessarily the marriage, but the possibility of the man finding me in bed with his wife is a good reason
Coffee vampire
Is it a happy marriage?
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
No
Hunky Henderson
I don’t remember you asking that question before you had your last married man
Coffee vampire
I didn’t know
The first time
I was dickmatised
He kept saying he would leave her
Abbot to need a walker
But did he?
Coffee vampire
Actually he has now
I saw him at Christmas with a boyfriend
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
You saw him?
Or you saw him?
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
Am I the only one who can’t read inflection over text?
Diva Dennis
As someone fluent in lesbian judgement (all due respect Doctor Ellis) that’s her asking if he ran into them in the street or if they had a threesome
Coffee vampire
Oh how I have waited for somebody else fluent in lesbian
And I just saw him
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
What about you Whitaker, what’s your opinion?
Diva Dennis
My upbringing says no and you’d burn in hell for adultery
But my upbringing also says that I would burn in hell for homosexuality so I’m just gonna preach what I didn’t practice and say no don’t sleep with someone who’s married
Coffee vampire
Whitaker and a married man? I am shocked
Hunky Henderson
You look so innocent
Coffee vampire
Can his new nickname be Britney?
Abbot to need a walker
?
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Shame on you old man
But no
Now we want deets
Hunky Henderson
Do we?
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
I don’t know if we do
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Yes
Diva Dennis
Fine
No judgement here right?
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
I will judge
But I judge everyone
And you can’t be worse then Shen and his married man
Diva Dennis
Well it was right after I got out of the hospital
Abbot to need a walker
Are we talking about when you got out of the hospital because you got spiked and your heart stopped and in a morphine induced haze you admitted to sleeping with the chief of the emergency department?
Or when you got out because you burned your hand?
Diva Dennis
…
The first one
Abbot to need a walker
Jesus Christ
Diva Dennis
I had almost died!
And I found a guy on Grindr and I went over there
Which I only regret because I then found out that he was Jesse’s neighbour
Coffee vampire
Wait, you slept with Bill?
Diva Dennis
You know Bill?
Coffee vampire
I slept with Bill!
Repeatedly
Hunky Henderson
Oh my god 😂😂
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
You slept with the same guy?
Ellis (But your wife calls me daddy)
Not only that, but Jesse slept with him too? 😂
Damn he only needs Robby and Langdon and he’ll have collected the full set of ER staff available
Hunky Henderson
This is hilarious and I have no stakes in it
So gonna have to tease you about this
Coffee vampire
Hey Whit, did he do that thing with the tongue?
Hunky Henderson
No, do not talk about sex here
Diva Dennis
Oh yeah
Did he ever bring out the long one for you?
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
Ew gross
Coffee vampire
You kidding? He bought that for me
You two ever make it to the bed or was he a stickler for the couch with you?
Toomarian (or not enough Marian?)
I’m done
Hunky Henderson
Tapping out
Abbot to need a walker
I know we’re weird but fucking hell
————
Private message: Samira & Jack
06:02
Jack
Same guy
But they’re now comparing notes